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Monday, May 03, 2004

Oh! How depressing my last blog was... my sister, I talked to her the morning after I got the news, she was going for one of those things whereby they have to do some sort of clensing of the uterus. She looked very tiny and very tired but she told me that my nephew had been more affectionate than usual, which left me to wonder how amazing it is that a child who is not even two years old could sense such a change in the mood of his mother.
I guess it was an instinct like the one animals show sometimes.... I don't know, but anyway I found myself telling her, that she can have another one anytime she wants and if she can't.... that bay right there was worthy seven children altogether. I am pretty sure she'll have another baby as soon as the occasion shows up, she is young and beside which baby wouldn't wanna have my sister as their mom. Not because it's my sister we are talking about, if she were not my siblings she would still be one of my favorite person on this planet. A person I would want as a friend. Maybe I never compltely saw my sister as just a sibling, it's pretty hard to describe this feeling I have. I was telling my auntie I think of my dad as my dad and my mom as my mom and her as my auntie but Olivia was never only my sister. She was first of all a childhood friend, someone who was always there for me when i needed and as long as I can remember too... then she also became the first person to accept me for who I was and came to understand me more than anybody else. She was someone I could rely upon, someone who took care of me... and after a while the roles kind of switched. This balance stayed unchanged fo many years, until she got married and I lost part of her to another person, and when she got a baby I lost one more part of her to this little kid.
For a long time, seeing my nephew I could not connect him to my sister. I knew he was familiy, but I could not conceive my sister (who I still see as an 8 years old little girl, since her face never changed in all these years), someone I saw as a child, could have had a baby. So, somehow, it was like... when you get a new pet, although this pet is a person (a miniature one, but indeed a person)!!!
Although I am crazy about my nephew because he is the son to one of my favorite persons in the world, there was always this feeling of envy in the back of my mind. He was like a black hole and sucked all of her attentions, all of her feelings, all of her energies to keep her all for himself. Once that was my role. In a way, he was hostile to me too... for some reason.
If he has to throw something at someone and there's twenty people in the room, you can bet he'll end up throwing the thing at me. So everytime we meet we study each other, after a while he looks at me with a look that says: I can see that you are my equal. I can foresee his actions and prevent them. He alwasy stare at me, in utmost surprise: how did you know I was going to do that? I always tell him: I know what you are thinking, I would have done the same.

Most people don't remember how they were like when they were children, that's why children seem most umpredictable to them and they end up treating children like aliens. To me whatever my nephew is about to do is crystal clear... because I myself had thought of doing the same thing a second before he did. Once I grabbed a table cloth and was about to pull it down and I put my hand on it and did not say anything, nor to scold him, not to alarm my mom.
So he looked at me and I say: come I give you a cooke but don't pull the tablecloth to steal the one I have, just ask for one.
He sat and I gave him cookie and he ran away with it. My mom said...: how can you keep your cool? he was about to spill hot cappuccino on himself!
I simply thought: If I yell he get scared and cries, if he can understand without me yelling so why getting all wokrd up about something it did not happened?
Unfortunately I cannot keep up with him all the time, I don't have the stamina, so I gladly hand him over to other people... and still sometimes I like him very much and sometimes I still don't.
Lately he has developed a temper very similar to my own, without my knowing.
My sister told me the other day: after I finally got rid of you I had to bear a clone of yours!!! It's a curse.
So she calls him Dedino, and she tries to keep him connected to me, she shows him pictures, my drawings and then we use the webcome.
She says sometimes he asks her if I am asleep, since the computer is off, but if she says no, then he asks her to turn it on and see if Deda is there.
I wonder if just thinks of me as the little lady who lives in the box. Once he looked at me and said: ugly!
Another time when he saw me he said: hello child!

Lately, everytime he sees me, he brightens up and laugh and shouts my name: dedaaaaa! dedaaaa!
Might have to do that I show him my Nemo toys, and he has some too, so he goes fetch his toys and shows them to me. Beside when he goes to visit my mom he plays with my toys and it's impressive to see that when my mom tells him not to damage them he shakes his hand and says : nononono no break, Deda toy.
So throught toys we finally found another connections, we both like the same things. So that's why he came to develop a new form or respect that makes me even more equal to him.
The other things he likes is the fact I sing to him. He likes to sing, for being only 20 months old, he is very much in tune and never forget a lyric of a song and sings with the right tempo too. This makes my sister very proud.
I spoke to him on the phone the other day, he was not going to talk back to me and looked at hims mom, confused.
He is still confused by the fact my sister and I have the same voice... only I kept repeating: this is deda! this is deda!
And when my sister told him: yes, it's deda!
Then he started yelling my name and made me laugh so much, I though if I were to open my window I could hear him without having to use to phone... so loud he was!!! hahahahaha
So then he sang and then, since he was going to sleep, of his own initiative he decided we had to hang up so he said: goodnight deda.
Leaving me and my sister surprised. So that's when she told me, alright, he wants to go to sleep, I've got to hang up.

This baby is lucky I am not close to him right now. I think until he is 3 years old he needs to be mywith my sister alone, so that she can help him build good morals foundations. If I were to be nearby I would monopolize him and allow him to do things my sister will never allow him to do: like drawing on the wall, for example.
On her point of view, it is vandalism, it is unpolite, he might end up doing it in someone else's house and that would be embarrassing.
On my point of view, creativity should not be stopped at any level if it is expressed in an artistic and none vandalic way.
A wall it's only a wall, paint costs nothing, giving too much importance to a wall that could be painted over and over again is stupid... there are more immanent things that are more valuable than material things... we don't own anything we buy, we simpli cross life borrowin a material body and not even our body his our, since we leave it behind when we die.

We should not care to much of it's tangible as... we should just let our knowledge grow and detach ourself from concept like, getting more... and more and more... while our spirit maybe starves and persihes.

What is the point of having a house with 20 bathroom when we only poop from one ass?